Working Mom

Work is good but hard. I have forced myself to stop contemplating whether I made the right decision because I was just driving myself nuts. Instead I'm focusing on making it work for us for now. I can re-evaluate at an appropriate time, but that time is not now.

So for now, I am desperately seeking balance, but mostly I'm feeling guilty. I feel guilty that I'm not giving more to my work AND guilty that I'm not giving more to my boys. Super great life motivators, right?

My students are amazing. I have two college prep classes and one honors class. The CP classes include a range of ability- and motivation-levels, and the honors class is filled with amazingly advanced writers and thinkers. The girls are very privileged but incredibly sweet and polite! They seriously ALL say "thank you" when they leave my class EVERY DAY. Amazing.

The boys are doing okay. They love "Miss Bethy" and her family and have no problems going there each day. I guess Anders is pretty high-maintenance there, and Beth has to hold him a lot of the time. That's very different from how he is at home. But he eats and sleeps well there and smiles when he sees Beth each day.

Isaac is having a harder time at home, though. I'm not sure if he's just a two year old who needs to be taught not to whine and cry and scream when things don't go his way, or if all these changes are causing him to lose it more often, or if it's a combination of everything. Probably the latter. He's super clingy to me and not going to bed well and crying at the drop of a hat. And, yes, it totally adds to my guilt.

I now completely understand some of the parenting books that I read, you know, back when I had time to read parenting books. They discuss parents who give in to their children or are not consistent with them because they feel guilty for leaving them during the day. I have a hard time knowing what to do when Isaac is crying at my feet "hold me, Momma!" one hundred times a day. On the one hand, I want to scoop him up and baby him and give him whatever he asks for. On the other hand, sometimes I'm busy with his brother or cooking or whatever and I need him to wait a minute without melting down. On the one hand, when he wanders into our bedroom in the middle of the night I want to snuggle him back to sleep in my arms. On the other hand, I don't need another small boy waking me up for a third, fourth, fifth time each night. So we're figuring it out.

The good thing about our new over-full routine is that the evenings with the boys are usually quality. We get home and we play, play, play. I'm always happy to see them and long to cover them with lovin'. After playing, we all have dinner together in our actual dining room with two high chairs at the table. Then we sing (our house has great acoustics) or chase or dance to Isaac's favorites: the Dirty Dancing soundtrack or the Blues Brothers soundtrack :) Then it's bath time and bed time.

It certainly feels good to be back in the classroom wearing my professional persona. I'm happy that my wardrobe has expanded beyond flip-flops and tee shirts and that my conversations have extended beyond, "Look, Momma, a stick! and a rock!" But I still feel like a Mom first and foremost, and I don't think teaching will ever be the same as it was before motherhood.