In which Kate is truly happy

God has been doing some pretty cool stuff in me lately.  Basically, He's whacking away at my pride and materialism and any attempts I make at self-sufficiency.  But He's doing it gently, and I'm to the point where I feel like I'm bubbling over with all that I'm learning. 

Last week, on December 28, Zach and I celebrated our own little holiday: the one year anniversary of the successful removal of 1/3 of our baby's lung.  Our celebration consisted of us saying, "Remember that?" and privately thanking God for answering our prayers and graciously allowing our son to be healed. 

I don't know why God does what He does.  I don't know why our boys are healthy and happy and our lives are so overwhelmingly good.  When we first heard that our baby boy, not yet born, had a "lung mass," there were about 18 hours when I was sure he was going to die at birth.  I'm not sure why Isaac was healthy, or why Anders had a "fixable" malformation, while others fight through treatment after treatment with no hope, and still others are taken away in a terrible and swift accident.  I still struggle with survivor's guilt and fear...  But I'm also just letting myself be grateful.  And let me tell you, gratitude is a powerful thing. 

I often vent here about how frustrating my boys can be, or how blah I get being a SAHM, but lately I have been really loving it.  I still get stressed by their behavior, but most of the time, I just love their big personalities and am intrigued by their development.  On December 29, I could not keep my hands off of my boys.  I kept kissing them, and hugging them, and telling them how much I loved them and how proud I am of them. 

As for my current gig as a SAHM, I am grateful for that too.  With my schedule, I can get up at 7:30 and get in a work-out, a bible study time, and a shower, plus put on make-up, do my hair, wear decent clothes, keep the house relatively clean, make dinner for my family, play with my kids, work a couple hours, spend time with my husband, and be in bed by 10:00.  Plus I have a little breathing room for when the homeless guy stops by and wants a sandwich, or a friend calls and really needs a babysitter. 

I actually have time to do what I want to do with my life: be a mother, be a wife, earn a little money, help a few kids get ready for college, serve at church, connect with friends, commune with God, exercise, and put a reasonable amount of effort into my appearance.  (Maybe that last one seems silly to some, but most of us know what it feels like to "let ourselves go" for a little too long -- at some point it crosses from being comfortable to depressing to wear sweatpants every day and wait too long to get a haircut.)

Before Christmas I said to Zach, "I think I may have found balance.  When's the last time you heard me say that?"  Zach said, "You've never said that." 

So, I am happy.  I am grateful.  I can take very little credit for all that I have - a healthy, happy family; material blessings; God's grace - and all I am able to do.  I have always felt that the "to whom much is given, much shall be required" thing applies to me.  I don't know why I've been so blessed, but I pray that God will help me use it all for His glory.  (I also pray that I would say the same thing given different circumstances, regardless of how scary that possibility seems to me now!)