More than a Mom*

When I was recently offered a job that was 1. in the field of education, 2. with the student population I wanted to serve, 3. in an organization that is doing awesome work (95% success rate!) 4. willing to let me do a bunch of work from home, I was really excited. 

I was initially a little worried that Zach wouldn't want me to take the gig, and I wasn't really sure I wanted to take it either, because 1. the hours that I do work with students are on evenings and Saturdays, meaning more Daddy Duty for Zach and less Whole Family stuff for the four of us, and 2. it doesn't pay me very much at all. 

But after a very reasonable discussion and before I said or even realized, "I really want to do this," Zach said, "I think you should go for it."  When he said that, my eyes brimmed with happy tears and then I realized how much I wanted to do it.

I don't think I can overstate how meaningful this job is for my personal fulfillment.  Since accepting the position, I've met a couple of new people and run into a couple of people that I hadn't seen in a long time.  Inevitably these people ask, "What are you up to now?"  To be able to say to them, "I'm a stay-at-home mom, but I also have a part-time job as a Literacy Coach with a college readiness program," feels like this amazingly perfect reflection of who I am and what my passions are.  I feel like I'm saying, "I love my kids, I love taking care of them, and I also am really good at working with at-risk city high school kids and feel passionately about doing whatever it takes to give them opportunities to succeed."  Is that what you hear when I tell you where I work?  :)

With all that feels so great about the new job/aspect of Me, there have also been complications.  I am supposed to put in about 15 hours per week, including my hours actually working with students, so really I have to put in about 7 or 8 hours at home.  The thing is, they really don't pay me enough that I can hire a babysitter to work and still make money.  And other than about maybe 45 minutes of "quiet time," I no longer get alone time during the day.  I do have a couple close friends watching Anders during Isaac's preschool time on Mondays and Tuesdays, so I can sometimes get hours in that way.  But it's still not enough. 

So I'm figuring it out, but in the meantime, as I weigh my options and try desperately to fit in an hour here, and hour there, I get really really stressed about it.  Finally last week Friday I was getting pretty pissed and depressed about it. 

It was one of those days where the boys and I ended up not doing much and I kinda sat on the couch and stared at the wall while they played.  I think most SAHM's know what kind of day I'm talking about.  I was sitting there fuming because I really wanted to be working or getting SOMETHING done, but every time I left the boys to their own devices, all Hell broke loose. 

It's so depressing when you feel like you're chained to them.  You're not really doing anything, maybe just responding to their play, being the voice of a "guy" or saying, "Cool tower, it's so tall!" and that's all they want you to do.  But if you walk away to check your email, or change loads of laundry, or start dinner, they cry and run after you, or sit on each other, or climb on top of the rocking chair and knock it over on themselves...  UGH! 

So anyway, that night Zach was like, "What the heck is wrong with you!?" and I finally cried my eyeballs out and said, "I want to be more than a mom and I thought this job was the answer to that and it's not working!" 

Maybe it sounds over dramatic, but if you know me or have read this blog for awhile, you're used to it.  And if you understand what this job means to me, you get it. 

So we talked, and Zach is super husband and super dad, so he helped me figure it out.  The next day was Saturday and we had already planned that he would be on Daddy Duty so I could work from home.  I think I will post about that tomorrow because this is long, but I will tell you that Saturday has a happy ending.  :) 

*And by the way, I just want to say about the phrase "More than a Mom" that I think ALL women who have children are more than mothers -- even women who don't work outside their homes at all have interests and passions and hobbies and abilities outside of childcare.  Taking care of our kids is awesome and good and important and valuable, AND we are all something outside of that role, too.  Just want to be clear about that.