Isaac and I have separation anxiety. Well, Isaac has separation anxiety; I have "my baby has separation anxiety" anxiety.
Isaac's form of anxiety means that whenever someone else is holding him, he looks at me with wide, forlorn eyes and whimpers. It also means that whenever I leave the room and he's with someone else, those wide, forlorn eyes close tightly and produce big, "you're breaking my little innocent heart" tears.
My form of anxiety means that when I leave him, hysterical, in the church nursery, I can barely bring myself to sing during worship. It also means that I will go back to the nursery 15 minutes later "to check on him" and return to the sanctuary with him in my arms, tears still suspended on his bottom eyelashes.
Before Isaac was born, I remember seeing babies with stranger/separation anxiety. I think I recall saying something ridiculous like, "Well, if her baby were around other people more, then he would be used to it." I probably also thought the dads were bad because obviously if they weren't such workaholics their babies would know them better and wouldn't just want mom. I would just like to use this public forum to say, "Mmmm, this foot is tasty," and "I'm so sorry for judging you!"
This is hard! I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I read some stuff in my parenting books about slowly getting the baby used to new people as they come, so I've been doing that, but it's not really helping.
When I was leaving Isaac with Jake (the manny) the other day so I could go grocery shopping, I was having a hard time leaving 'cause I knew what was coming. I was talking to Jake about it and said, "I'm not sure what to do if he's beside himself while I'm gone. I mean, should I come home?" and Jake said, "Well, what would you do if you were working?" which is a good point. But the thing is, I'm not working. Jake only comes once every other week and we don't leave Isaac with a sitter much more often than that. So it's not like Isaac has enough opportunity to get used to it.
The way they describe how the baby feels in the parenting book I have did NOT help either. It says, "Just as she's starting to realize that each object is unique and permanent, she'll also discover that there's only one of you. When you're out of sight, she'll know you're somewhere, but not with her, and this will cause her great distress. She'll have so little sense of time that she won't know when--or even whether--you'll be coming back." Poor guy! He doesn't know if I'll come back for him!
The same book says that this could be the cause of his restless sleeping. Today he took a 37 minute morning nap and a 50 minute afternoon nap. It's so frustrating, because when I go to get him, he's obviously still tired but doesn't go back to sleep. He used to wake up happy and babbling, but now the first sound we hear is usually a wail!
My prayer is that this phase will be a short one and that he'll soon learn that momma always returns. Until then, any advice/encouragement is welcome!
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Issues
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I know I don't have a kid, but think of the pluses to some of your comments. If he has no sense of time, coming back after 15 minutes is no different than after 85 minutes. Once you're gone, you're gone, so you might as well get some groceries or a full church service out of the situation. Also, if you keep coming back sooner rather than later, you are not using the few situations you had mentioned for him to get used to others. Like I said, I don't have a kid, but take advantage of his short memory. Maybe he's distracted after 15 minutes of distress and is on the way to recovery, but you are coming back to soon to let this happen. Just some thoughts. I hope this isn't my turn to put my foot in my mouth! ;)
ReplyDeleteIt gets better, I promise.
ReplyDeleteAnd then the day will come when you kind of wish he cried for you like he used to. :)
Stay strong, mama!
Love ya,
Meg
I also might be putting my foot in my mouth here but Jen has a good point. I mean he didn't like being without you but he was easily distracted the more attention I gave him while you were gone. Of course he lit up when you came back. It certainly doesn't make it easy on you because you have a sense of time but he brightens up just the same whether it is 15 or 85 minutes. Though I have to say it makes my heart break when I see those tears too.
ReplyDeleteZach says my post makes it sound worse than it is. And for the record, getting Isaac out of the church nursery today was the only time that I changed my plans because of the anxiety. Zach and I got to leave a sad baby with Uncle Joshy and cousin Sarah the other night to go to a friend's birthday party, and I did go grocery shopping that day. So anyway, it's not like I haven't left him at all....
ReplyDeleteI don't remember Zach experiencing much of this, but Josh had a hard time with it, and I remember how it ripped my guts out to leave him crying. Just as there's really no definitive answer to how to get your baby to go to sleep without crying, there's no good answer to this except consistency. Leave him with people you know will take care of him (not sit him in a corner to cry), and you may want to try slipping away when he's busy with a toy. That's hard because you feel as though you're deceiving him, but if it works and saves both of you from tears and drama, it's a good trade off. And of course, tell yourself that this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, when we saw Izey on iChat Friday night after you left, he was happy as could be!
Karen
It's okay mama! I'm totally with Jenny (are you sure you aren't a mom?). With his new found sense of self-separate-from-mama, lots of repetition will cement in his brain "when mama goes in this situation (from home, the room, nursery), mama comes back". Depending on the day, Naomi still cries if Mommy's going out shopping, dropping her off at nursery, etc. And at my dad's insistence, who's very much a "they'll be fine" type of guy, I always tell the girls that mommy's going, so the don't have a "mommy was here a minute ago, but now she's disappeared!" moment, reinforcing the idea that I need to be kept in sight at all times (because you never know when she might leave)! Goodbyes are normally couched in lots of "Are you going to do this exciting thing with (insert non-mama-person here)?", "Have fun!", "See you later!", and smiles. Soon (I think!) their smart little brains put it together that this is okay and parent sanctioned. Maybe not preferred, 'cause you're the stuff, but okay (and for you, necessary!). And as always, all things said are just my experience and NOT pushy judgmental advice :)
ReplyDeleteI would just like to echo that it is hard and like everything you swore your child would never do (like hmmm...beating down other kids) our sweet kids do it adn go thru it. Hang in, the worst advice people would say to me when Anni & I were deealing with this was "just let her get over it" and "it is just a phase" b/c it is so hard to hear when you are in the midst. I will say taht he will learn that you come back but he may always cry for a little while and Anni has grown out of it (at least for now( as most kids go thru variosu stages of seperation anxiety and it is normal and it is NOT B/C OF YOU!! try to relax as I know for me I would tense up before leaving and it would cuase her to react even before I left like she knew it was coming and it was worse. Do what you need to do to cope, there is no book that can tell us (I WISH there was:) but us Mamas need to stick together and trust the insight God has given you as his Mama- you are doing graet!!
ReplyDelete