A long, rambly, controversial confession

Yesterday was a beautifully warmer and sunnier day in Chicago than we have had in many moons. Zach, my DH, let me sleep in until about 9:30 while he potty trained and played with boys still in their jammies. Then I got up, got ready, and stepped out into the sunshine by myself.

I was headed for the first meeting of a small group called Real Women with my Kindred Spirit, Liz. As I headed toward Lizzy's house in the sunshine, alone in my car, with the music that I wanted to listen to on the stereo, it occurred to me that the empty car seats in the back made me feel five years younger. I hadn't been out without the kiddos in awhile. It felt pretty amazing.

At our small group, I shared that I feel like a raw, open wound right now. I have been so vulnerable lately. People who I love, but who think differently than I do, have recently roused in me deep anger and bitterness. Mainly about "women's issues," i.e. whether moms "should" work outside the home and whether women "can" have leadership roles in the church. I actually went to talk to my pastor about it a couple weeks ago. He asked me why this issue is so volatile for me right now--a valid question considering I usually have great relationships with those who think differently. And I think I already knew, but his question made me admit, that I am really still struggling with my feelings about quitting my job.

When telling people my news about leaving teaching, often someone would say something like, "Yeah, that was a lot for you," or "Yeah, that did seem like too much." And I caught myself cringing and saying, or holding myself back from saying, "It wasn't too much. I could handle it. I could have made it work if I wanted to." And it's really really hard for me to admit to myself that it was too much.

Part of what's hard about that admission is that I would hate to be anybody's example about what a women "should" be doing with her time. While working at that particular job with those particular hours at this particular time in my life did not work out for me, it has not changed my mind about whether or not moms should work. I still don't necessary think that it is always better for the children for a mom to be at home. I think it depends on the person. I know moms who hate staying home with their kids but they do it because they feel like they're supposed to, and I just think, wouldn't your kids be happier if you were happier? Wouldn't someone who has a passion for young children, perhaps a degree in early childhood education, do just as good or better a job spending time with them then you do? And I feel very strongly that choosing not to spend 100% of your time with your children does not mean that you love your children any less than a mom who is with hers constantly.

I think I would like to repeat that statement: choosing not to spend 100% of your time with your children does not mean that you love your children any less than a mom who is with hers constantly.

I've said before that if I weren't a mom, I would not choose to spend my time with toddlers or babies. I love being with Isaac and Anders, but I get sick of them! I think any person would get sick of any other person if they spent as much time together as a stay at home mom (SAHM) spends with her children. Think about it--have you ever spent weeks and weeks on end with the same one or two people from 6:30 in the morning until 8:00 at night, every single day, never leaving their side, taking them every where you go, including to the bathroom????

Not loving being a SAHM does not mean that a woman is a bad mother or loves her children less. It means that she has other gifts and talents. I am amazed by women who always love this job. I'm even amazed by women who usually love this job. And on the other hand, I'm also amazed by women who work, because apparently I couldn't do it that either!

I think for me there is a magic number of hours I could work per week that would make me feel perfectly balanced. If anyone can find me that job in the teaching field, please do! Right now the pendulum of my life has swung too far in one direction. I quit my job because we were too busy (that's a way over-simplification, but we'll let it slide for argument's sake) and now I am bored, bored, bored.

I never understood until I became a SAHM how depressing true boredom is. Liz calls it something like "the downward spiral of being at home." It just sucks all the life out of me. And it's not like I have nothing to do. There's groceries to be purchased, dinner to be cooked, diapers to be changed, baby animals to be rescued, etc, etc, etc. Being with small children keeps a gal busy, but to me (I emphasize that "to me" as much as possible) it is not engaging work. I do not look down on, in fact I admire, those women (or men, although I have yet to meet one) for whom raising children is their gifting, the job in which they are truly fulfilled. They take every opportunity to teach, guide, encourage, shape, and mold their children. They cook fantastic dinners and find amazing new cleaning products. And the most amazing thing about it all, is that they feel fulfilled doing it. I'm just not one of them. (Looking back on those last few sentences, I'm not sure that woman actually exists, but there sure seem to be a lot of them acting like it out there!) Sure, I do the best I possibly can, and I have plenty of rewarding and fun moments throughout my days, but I just cannot enjoy or feel fulfilled by this work 24/7.

But again, if you know me at all, you know that I deeply, desperately, achingly love my children. How I feel about being a SAHM may be in question, but my LOVE for my boys never, ever was.

I have been wrestling with whether or not to post these thoughts for weeks now. There's so much I'm not saying here, so much I've deleted. Maybe I'll keep revisiting this touchy subject or maybe I'll let it be. I guess it will depend on whether I can make peace with my decisions and feelings. I recently heard a sermon in which one tangent was about not becoming bitter but remaining soft-hearted. This is definitely a dangerous place I'm currently in emotionally. God is working on me and I'm praying for a soft heart.