Getting Through

While talking with the nurse yesterday, we realized that it has only been one week since the ultrasound that changed our lives. I'm pretty sure this week had some extra days in it or something, because it went by so slowly. and yet so much happened. Some of the hardest parts of coping with the news that our baby has a tumor are really quite secondary to the actual problem.

Life is throwing lemons at us. We had just made a ton of plans for the fall when we got the news. I had signed up for my last two classes, Zach figured out what vacation time he was going to take for the holidays, I was in the process of filling out all the paperwork so I could start substitute teaching, we were planning our annual Halloween party, and we had just reviewed and revised our very rigid budget. We've had to grieve little losses as we cut out the things that just plain can't happen anymore, and we're being forced to live with future plans that may or may not go as we intended or hoped.

Of course we want to do what's best for baby Thor. There's no question. It's just that suddenly what's best for baby Thor is very different than what we expected.

I'm not going to sub. I'm cutting back to one class so I won't graduate in December. We're canceling our Halloween party. We may or may not get to travel for the holidays. We have to find babysitters twice a week. Zach has to use a lot of vacation time to come to ultrasounds and consultations. Our budget will have to be revised again. (It's not that we can't afford things, it's just that we're going to be spending money we thought we'd get to save for a house. And it's on stupid stuff, like parking twice a week at the hospital, which we realized will total the amount of spending money we get each month. Just annoying.)

I was also bummed that I had to leave my midwife's practice. Call me crazy, but I was looking forward to giving birth again. I've been doing better with weight gain this pregnancy and knew that with a midwife and my mom and Zach to coach me through labor and delivery, this baby's birth would be even better than Isaac's (in physical terms at least). I haven't had a male doctor since I was a little kid, and though it's a small thing I just have to get over, it's weird to have to go to this high risk practice with 5 men and 2 women doctors. I'm thinking I'll most likely have a Cesarean. It's all fine, it's just different than I thought it was going to be.

But there have been rays of sunshine. One is named Isaac. He doesn't let us mope, and he makes us smile a lot. His new knack for repeating words has brought us lots of laughter. Here's a video that brightens my day every time.

Another one is Shonah and the Grant family. They live close by, Isaac adores their kids, they love Isaac, and they have been available to babysit every single time we've needed them, even when Isaac was sicky and appointments went way longer than expected. (Lots of people have volunteered to babysit, and we are so grateful. We're going to try to set up a schedule so that no one gets stuck doing it all the time, so we'll be calling people soon!) Here are a couple of pics that Shonah took last time she watched Isaac:

Anwen, Ewen, and Spike

Busy "helpers"

Then of course there's Karen! My mom-in-law came for three days on super short notice this week when Zach and I said, "We need help!" She cleaned things that I haven't cleaned in months, cooked us lunch and dinners, took Isaac to the store and park, and made me rest. It is exponentially easier to take care of (sick) baby, (sick) self, and home when there are an extra set of eager and willing hands around. Wednesday and Thursday were bright spots in a yucky week because of your help, Granini! Thank you!

We've been overwhelmed with phone calls, emails, and comments from all of you praying for us and offering to help. Hopefully, even as the scans continue to happen often, the need for updating with slow down. In the meantime, I'm sorry we can't call all of the people we love after every appointment. The appointments are long and draining and talking about it afterward is sometimes the last thing we want to do. We'll keep all the latest information here, so if you don't hear it right from us, at least you know what's going on.

And maybe at some point my posts will not require marathon endurance in order to read in one sitting. :)