Clear but Sad

With Thor's birth looming large in the very near future, I've begun to feel a little freaked out. Not only is there the normal stuff of "omg, we have to buy little tiny diapers again," and "I'm not sure I'm ready for the sleepless nights," as well as the weird pregnancy dreams, but also we have a baby whose ability to breathe on his own is not something we can necessarily bank on.

Part of my anxiety was coming from the fact that I didn't know what to expect for labor, delivery, the hospital stay, and newborn care for us and Thor. The OB docs keep telling us that he's going to be totally fine, but I kept thinking, "What if he's not?"

So, last week I requested that we meet with the neonatologist and the pediatric surgeon at the same time. Once in awhile we'll get a slightly different story from the different doctors, so it was important to me that they both be there to hear what the other was saying.

Of course I was hoping that Zach could come too, but he had this trip to Jacksonville this week, and apparently getting two big-headed doctors in the same room at the same time is a very tricky task, so I had to settle for going it alone. Thankfully all my high-risk care with Thor has taught me to control my emotions and stand up for myself when talking to medical professionals.

When the scheduler called me back to suggest a time for the appointment, she told me that the pediatric surgeon -- the ONE pediatric surgeon who practices at our hospital!! -- is going out of town from January 27 until February 20.

Um, WHAT!?

I said, "Oh... he is? um, I'm due on the 23rd!" She said, "Well, he'll be back by the 20th." Yeah, lady, like due dates are super exact! I almost cried. I mean, Thor is not supposed to need surgery right away, but if he does, I would like the one guy who can do it to BE THERE!

Anyway, so today, Monday, was the only time he could meet with us before my due date.

Between the original request for the meeting, the scheduling of the meeting, and the actual meeting, I had to repeat my request that BOTH doctors be there at the same time no fewer than five times. Apparently this was a very special circumstance!

So this morning I brought in my list of questions and came away with the following information:

While the surgeon will be out of town, he will have someone from Children's (another hospital) covering for him at our hospital. Unfortunately, in the unlikely event that Thor does need surgery, he will have to be transported to Children's...without me.

There is always a neonatologist and staff in the Infant Special Care Unit (ISCU), and when Thor's birth is imminent, they will come down to be present when he makes his grand entrance.

Here's the sad part: IF Thor is breathing, crying, and getting pink like a normal baby, Zach and I will get to hold him for about 10 or 15 minutes before he's taken directly to the ISCU. He'll have to stay there for 48 to 72 hours for observation and I won't be able to nurse him for at least 24 hours. I can start nursing him then only if he's still asymptomatic. My hospital stay will be shorter than his, so they will most likely kick me out before I can take my baby home. Of course we can spend as much time as we'd like in the ISCU.

On the one hand I feel better knowing that they already have a plan for his birth and that it includes the ISCU staff being ready for him. I also feel better just knowing what to expect. On the other hand, though, I feel really sad. Call me naive, but I wasn't expecting any of this. The way my OB docs have been talking, I thought I'd be able to keep Thor in the room with me, start nursing right away, and take him home when I go.

Because my appointments at the hospital are so much a part of my routine by now, I sometimes forget how big and scary a CCAM diagnoses is. Today's meeting was certainly a reminder--this is not a normal baby. I think God must have big plans for our little Thor.