The Winter Downward Spiral

Last Thursday night Zach asked me if we had any plans for Friday night. I said, "Nope" and he said something like, "Oh good." I was like, "Why, so we can watch another two hours of West Wing before going to bed too late?" He laughed. I didn't.

I didn't realize how depressed I was or why until we went to bed on Friday night. It was then that I thought back on the week and realized how much time I had spent alone with Isaac. Sure, we went to the doctor's office, the grocery store, our Moms and Tots class, but other than familiar faces whose first names I don't even know, the only people I saw last week were Zach and Isaac.

We did have dinner plans with friends, but that was on Thursday, so if you read that day's post, you know we had to cancel for everyone's sake.

My tendency, but not my preference, is to be a home-body. It's due to several factors:

1. laziness (it takes effort to find something interesting and cheap to do and to make plans with others--inertia is not in my favor),
   
2. the weather (it's much harder to get bundled up and going to the park is often no longer an option),
   
3. friends' schedules (most people work during the day!),
   
4. my schedule (doctors appointments, grocery shopping, and Isaac's naps to work in), and
5. priorities (I tend to feel like I should have everything else--errands, cleaning, showering!--done before I should go do something fun).

Of course all of those factors are surmountable, I just have to make the effort, plan in advance, and re-prioritize. Last week that just didn't happen. I didn't even realize it was happening until it was done.

We had a good weekend full of chances to connect with people, but Monday morning after I dropped Zach off at work, I was dreading going back home to an empty house. I dragged Isaac around to a bunch of stores to get some Christmas shopping done until nap time.

Still, last night I was ready for a break from my beloved toddler. I reflected during dinner that I never knew you could love someone so much and yet be so. incredibly. sick. of. him.

This morning wasn't much better. Isaac was throwing everything--blocks, books, food...anything that I didn't want him to throw, he threw. It is really difficult to be consistent on discipline when you're feeling down in the dumps already. I was trying to write in my prayer journal and having the following argument with my son/self.

(Isaac throws a block)
"Isaac, no throwing blocks. We'll have to put them awa..."
(Isaac throws another block.)
Dammit. I need to get up and take the blocks away from him now. (I don't.)
"No, Isaac. No throwing. Can you build a towe..."
(Isaac throws another block.)
Ugh! I should really give him a time out for that!
(Isaac throws another block.)
[Defeated sigh] I don't care if he throws the ____ing blocks.
"Where's your baby?"
(Isaac finds his baby to play with instead.)

Later I got down on the floor to play with him and he started climbing on me and being silly. He was giving me goofy kisses and I was getting nervous because when he woke me up this morning, he bit me hard while doing the same thing. I kept saying, "Isaac, no biting," and pulling his face off of me. Then, of course, he bit me...really...really...hard. On the back. I yelled. It hurt so bad. Isaac started laughing and I roughly picked him up off of me and set him on the ground. "No, Isaac! That hurts Momma! No biting!" I yelled at him. And then, because it hurt so bad and I was so frustrated, and because I was actually suppressing the urge to hit him, I hit the ground and growled, "Aaaagh!"

I scared him. He started crying.

Then I started crying because I've never lost my temper like that with him and have never had the actual desire to smack him before.

Soon he was laughing and playing again and I sat blubbering on the floor.

This is how the winter downward spiral begins. I am so glad we're leaving to spend time with lots of family and a few friends in Michigan for the next five days. I need other people to help me love Isaac. Nobody was meant to do this alone.