Preparing the Way

After I had Isaac, I remember feeling pretty overwhelmed a lot. I kept thinking, "Why didn't anyone tell me about ______!?" But looking back, I realize, people did tell me, I just wasn't ready to hear it. I also now realize that everyone's pregnancy, labor, delivery, recovery, baby, and parenting is different--really different--so no one can predict how it's going to go for you.

When I hit 37 weeks (I'm now 39) and was declared officially "full term," I was struck with the panicked feeling that I was not ready for Thor's arrival. Not only did I have a lot of errands to run and missions to accomplish, but I was not prepared mentally or emotionally for all the newborn stuff again. People started asking me, "Oh, you're getting close! Are you getting excited?" and while I usually gave the polite, "Yeah!" I was really thinking, "Am I?"

This was also about the time that I learned that we would likely not be taking Thor with us when we went home and that I couldn't start nursing right away.

So I started praying about it. I just prayed every day that Zach and I would be prepared.

I know that there is no way you can really be "ready" for a new baby. You simply can't predict nor control how things are going to happen. Waiting for labor to start is the first lesson in that. Once you hit 37 weeks, it could really happen any time. Due dates are literally "give or take TWO WEEKS," which is torture! Despite any efforts to move things along more quickly (you've heard the old wives' tales!), it's really totally out of your hands. Which is also strange because it's happening to your body!

I did some things around the condo to prepare the way for Thor--rearranged Isaac's room (which I have to get used to calling "Isaac and ______'s room," or "the boys' room"), bought teeny tiny mimis and teeny tiny diapers, set up both car seats, etc.

I also watched an online video that the docs set me up with to remind me what labor is like and started skimming through a few of my parenting-a-baby books.

The thing that really reminded me about what newborn life is like was that I accidentally came across a video of Isaac's very first bath at home. My mom (who worked in Labor and Delivery as an RN for many many years) was teaching us how to do it because they hadn't taught us at the hospital. I cried through the whole thing (back then) because 1.) in those first few days after birth, new moms are super emotional, 2.) Isaac was shrieking his head off through the whole thing, and 3.) he looked so fragile and small, and I couldn't believe I was responsible for this tiny being.

I think having children is terrifying. I was scared when we had Isaac, and he was supremely healthy. There is so much that happens in our world that is out of our control--influences, other than ours, that effect our kids; accidents that can happen; tumors that can randomly grow.

A lot of people have been saying, "God is in control," when I express my fears, but what does that really mean? It does not mean that kids don't grow up to disappoint their parents or make bad decisions. It does not mean that accidents don't happen. It does not mean that tumors don't grow. It doesn't even mean that prayers are always answered.

And that scares me. a lot.

Thor IS going to be okay. We have no reason to think that he will need surgery right away or even help breathing. We have no reason to think that he won't come out and take his first deep, lung-filling breath of air and let out the first loud cry of a healthy baby shocked by the cold, bright harshness of our world outside the womb.

But when he does, what a sigh of relief we will breathe.

Until then, I may not find a lot of comfort in the fact that "God is in control." What I'll carry with me for this next week as I prepare for Thor's arrival, and as my boys grow up in this scary world, is this promise (which is, incidentally, the only Bible verse that anyone quoted to me when we found out about Thor's CCAM): Deuteronomy 31:8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Go before me, God. Come with me, God. Don't leave me, God.